Turkey Bowl VI - The Next Generation

Sorry for the delay, boys and girls...I know you've all been fasting yourselves in anticipation for the annual wrap-up.  Unfortunately, much like this writer's footwork, the turnaround time on the article is slow and getting slower every year.  However, I know that if I fail to post, Bob Glinke will be disappointed.  And that's not going to happen on my watch.  I'd like to think of the annual wrap-up along the lines of a poor man's "One Shining Moment" after the NCAA tournament.  You never really thought about it until the big game was over...then after the game the true fans might stick around to watch/read it...only to be let down yet another year.

Anyway, here goes...  

'Twas the Year of the Youngster in 2012.  Sure, the wily veterans on Team Jake held court and walked away with the coveted Turkey Bowl Trophy, but a statement was made...it's good to be young.  We had three additions from the Scheumann clan and they were taunting the ghost of Mansfield past.  After being put on the same team as two Donaldsons and a Dane, the youngsters were behind the eight-ball and lost.  But remember, even Peyton was 3-13 in his first season and that's all seemed to work out pretty well for him.

The veteran team of Grizzly Gord, Jake Knott tonight, Max Daddy, Punishin' Poelstra, and the Ryan the rookie Koerner just proved to be too much to handle.

You really can't quantify old-school toughness on paper.

In a world where kids get trophies just for participating, it's refreshing to have a Turkey Bowl shrine that actually still means something.  Well, at least some hardware representing what the Turkey Bowl means...unless the commissioner forgets to bring it back to Lafayette for the event.  Turns out, the trophy itself isn't all that important, it's the pride of victory.  

That has to be a good sign moving forward.  Clearly, the premium on victory wasn't lost on Gord hours prior to the game by the texts he was sending me when the turnout numbers and the game itself were still in question...

We had brand-spankin' new flags this year!  There were even brand spankin' new, off the rack offensive plays invented during this Turkey Bowl.  Aaron cemented his legacy as the behind-the-back pass catcher to accent his 3rd down-panic punter accolades of TB II.  Max invented an innovative wide receiver move called the "Stop and....

(wait for it)....

This writer developed a criss-cross/illegal pick strategy that involved anyone but him and was called the most visionary offensive strategy since Joe Tiller's "basketball on grass".

...GO!!!"  ...and Max is open!

To Max's credit, he was wearing the same Christmas Story hat I wore on my paper route circa February '91, the wings on that hat will even slow down a Mansfield...or Ryan Campbell.  The new flags this year definitely alleviated the long standing debate of how to account for tackles.  Whether we should we play flag, tackle, or two-hand touch has been a constant debate since the inception of the event...all of which has gone completely unnoticed to Gord, who has been upapologetically playing tackle football regardless of the rules since '07.  In Washington, they would call him a maverick.

A few housekeeping issues and box scores before we call the ambiguous half time of the article:

The Two-Touchdown Rule was implemented this year and proved to be the best addition to a game since the three-point line.  This rule was a creature of the uneven turnout at the game, eleven players.  Under the Two-Touchdown Rule, any team that got behind two touchdowns or more could play with six players as opposed to five.  When half time was called, the youngsters were down two touchdowns.  With this rule implemented, the trailing team was able to catch up in the second half and eventually took the lead at 47-45 only lose the race to the 50-point finish line...on a pass to Josh Poultry!  And you all thought Thanksgiving was a bad time to be called Poultry.

Rookie lineup (good year for people named Ryan):

Ryan Koerner (Old Faithful)
Ryan Campbell (Lightning McQueen)
Nick Scheumann (The Stadium)
Ryan Scheumann (Longsnapper, a/k/a "Call me the Stadium")

IR (but present at game):  Why Too Clay (Y2Clay).  Early tests reveal an elite lever soccer injury at an indoor game that you would actually have to be European to completely understand the specific diagnosis and the intense game scenario that lead to the injury.

Noticeably absent:  Tom Andr....well, this political hobnobber:

Yeah, Tom couldn't make it.  Neither could these other TB mainstays:  Temp, Squash, OB (even Rudy had to graduate at some point), the Brothers Graham, Tye, or Craig Mansfield.  Also not in attendance was last years MVP Bad Brad Williamson.  Get 'em next year!

Our statistician officially reports that this was the second coldest Turkey Bowl in history.  This stat actually has no significant value as it also means it was the fourth warmest Turkey Bowl ever.*  We can handle the cold, but like when Fee asks you to pull his finger, the breaking wind would not be denied.  Fortunately, in typical TB tradition, rules were negotiated to work around mother nature.  The offense was always facing South, so the quarterbacks were always throwing in the same direction...with the wind.  It was more or less the "sucker's walk" rule many people grew up with in the sandlot.

*2011 - Did not race (DNR)

See?  They're throwing in the same direction.  The elder QB prevailed, but the value of having two competent quarterbacks cannot be understated.  BW's was still a success story, but this was the first TB in years that avoided the suspicion of performance enhancers.  Personally, this writer and John Calipari both don't think it felt right to run such a clean program.  It's a sad day when all participants at the end of the game would still pass a breathalyzer.  You show me a Turkey Bowl without 5-hour Energy and Mad Dog 20/20 and I'll show you a dying event.  C'mon Brothers Thiele...protecting our asses to live comfortably is no longer enough....we also need you for Turkey Bowl!

Alex Dane made his second appearance sans Jay Andrew jean jacket.  You would've thought Calvin Johnson showed up after the first possession with his girlfriend there where he scored the first touch
down of the game.  Then, like most fans she left due to cold and so did Alex's game.  Only a guy like Mike Tyson can sum up such a reverse of fortune...when Bug left, he faded into Bolivian.
  
Hey Tom, without the prop in the next picture, they'd just call it the "Urkey Bowl"!  Yeah, I had the bright idea of buying a tee as a prop for kickoff, and after the first play of the game it broke...much like this joke!  Anyway, hey Tom, if you like my "Tee" zinger you should click this link.  Hey Graham, even if you don't think it's funny, click this link. (sorry to the rest of you, inside jokes are what make this grass roots effort work).

Despite the wind, weather and lack of bickering, this had to be the friendliest Turkey Bowl to date.  The mid-game rule changes were as seamless as JC's robe.  I can't determine if that's a combination of newcomers and maturity or can be boiled down to Low-T.  Another theory was the loss of the sibling rivalry that always peppered the game.  Only the Brother's Donaldson could be split up, and it's pretty hard to get mad a Max.  Either way, the State of the Turkey Bowl Union is STRONG.  The tradition is alive and well with the potential of the torch being passed.

Next year we'll keep aiming high (but not too high, as we don't want to go beyond the Turkey Bowl principals of our founding fathers).  It's our hope to turn it into somewhat of a charity event where we donate and/or collect money to feed families for the holidays.  But for now, we'll count our blessings that the event lives on with no injuries beyond 30-something soreness.
 
POSTSCRIPT:

Even if you didn't find any part of this wrap-up mildly entertaining, here are some funny pictures I found in preparing this article:

Max was actually balls-deep in the stock market at the age of 7.  This explains his current demeanor as he was already sitting on a forturne before getting involved in his current occupation.

Boutonnières aside, I still can't believe they hadn't invented hair-gel, wallpaper or braces yet in 1993!  Sweet jacket, Burke!

Oh My Gay! (not that there's anything wrong with that!)  I guess I'll just go out for the swim team.

Turkey Bowl V - The Turkey Bowl That Wasn't

In the early 40's, the Indy 500 didn't run for four consecutive years.  During that same time period, the Olympics were canceled.  In the early 10's, part of the NBA season and Turkey Bowl V suffered the same fate.  While the tradition is by no means over, it took a demoralizing blow in 2011.  Some may argue TB V's cancellation was a sign of an aging roster facing new family obligations.  Some may argue it's just another sign of the Apocalypse.  But the history books will prove it was merely a sign of the times.  Between the Occupy Turkey Bowl Movement and the Player's Union strike, the outcome was inevitable.  The question this year lies with where the players were and what they were doing instead of participating for the year's most coveted event...

The first sign of the changing times came at 10:44 a.m., just sixteen minutes before the annual kickoff, in an overt act of denial, when Jake showed up at the field anyway.  Knott was all laced up only to learn his fate that the emails were true, and the Turkey Bowl really wasn't going to be played this year.  The commissioner's office was forwarded this pic in disbelief...a sad sight indeed.  It was only 35 degrees warmer than TB IV.

Fortunately, the Glinke's still managed to capitalize on the unseasonal weather and do what they've probably always wished there were doing that day in the first place.

I know what you're thinking...."are those white things BALLS?  Deer BALLS??"  Well, that's an "Affirmative" folks.  

As you all know from playing Deer Hunter after Josh Thiele's first round of Boilermakers at BWs, killing does just ain't as cool as killing bucks.  Balls are a good thing!

ROLL TIDE!!!  Good thing I had my editor, or she may have never spoken to me again.  Apparently she's more of the War Eagle type.  Rumor has it the local deer population is already petitioning for Turkey Bowl VI.

Some dominated black Friday...

Others had a wedding to attend...which isn't such a bad thing when you have the best hair in Marion County.  Thanks Omar!

Some had to find other ways to be cool before the wedding.  It's funny because this rental Jeep actually has a hitch on the front bumper that Aaron took a liking to.

Somewhere, someone is practicing...and if field goals are ever implemented into Turkey Bowl...he'll probably still be wide right.

It beats a luncheon.  There aren't many things that most people dread more than traveling long distances on the holidays, but I think it's safe to say we'd rather be doing the Ace Ventura than attending the Lafayette luncheon circuit.

Todd watched Rudy.

Zach watched Brokeback Mountain.

I kid.  The Grahams were in Daytona...or at least Florida somewhere.  I want it to be Daytona so this gun-show picture works better.

And some had real life reasons not to be there.  Lets face it, did you really want to go up against this guy anyway?

All in all, I hope everybody had a good Black Friday and we'll go into the off season with the famous Cubs phrase...wait 'til next year.

I wonder if we can get Novak to play in Turkey Bowl VI...he pretty much told the nation what he thinks about this year's cancellation.  Have you ever seen somebody embody the spirit of Turkey Bowl quite like this pseudo L-towner did on Sunday?

Thanks to everyone that sent in pics for the wrap-up.  See you next yer.

Turkey Bowl Wrap-Up 2010

Sandwiched between the Thanks Day gluttony and the Old-Oaken-Binge was the fourth installment of the Turkey Bowl.  Frigid…that's the one word that sums up TB IV.  It was so cold, you could milk a cow and get ice cream to come out…of course that’s assuming one of the Glinke’s hadn’t already kill that same cow earlier that morning.  “Half time” was actually changed to “three-quarter time” this year because of the bone-chilling weather. Attendance was up, temps were down.  Actually, frigid doesn't even begin to describe how frigid it was out there this year…especially for the fans.  You can ramble about the pageantry until you’re blue in the face, but it doesn’t matter when the fans can’t even stick around because their own faces have turned blue.

But we'll save the literal weather talk for the water cooler, this game also had a lot of warmth. Warmth in its sportsmanship, warmth from the fans, and I think Tom actually had some warm pee running down his pants after seeing Bad Brad Williamson’s blitz on a crucial fourth-and-goal play.  Game changer!  Just when you thought Tom was rougher than a pinecone toilet seat, Bad Brad put him on his rump and changed the tide of the game…and possibly the entire day.

Like bringing in a freshman class and parting ways with the Seniors you’ve come to know, there were plenty of new faces.  Williamson joined a rookie class alongside the likes of Mad Dog-Matt Thiele, A-Ron, Dicey Dave Hmurovich, and Alex Dane’s jean jacket…as originally popularized by Jay Andrew and his spike mullet circa 1988.  The Gord finally made his triumphant return, but some of the old mainstays were noticeably absent.  Let’s face it though, Tye would’ve been dressed exactly like Mansfield, Zach’s legacy is sealed with his “Jeffy, Jeffy” balls-in-a-vice-grip moment, and Adam’s so old that his career dates back to when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Sibling rivalries were maintained, with the Glinkes, Donaldsons, and Thieles divided as much as possible, but that’s about the only constant from the Turkey Bowl’s infancy to its toddler years.  Even the flags were gone.  Just when you thought two-hand-touch was some evil plot by Mr. Williams that you never had to do again, it came back.  Since the humble beginnings on the Highland Park (Big) Triangle and its terrifying landmarks, to the Jeff practice field, and now the second year on the big-boy field, this event is growing faster than Groupon.  However, the most distinguishing difference from year-to-year is that fact that not one person can seem to remember the rules established a mere twelve months prior.  The Turkey Bowl learning curve never bends.

Also noticeably different from years past was the revolving-door “store hours” approach to kickoff time.  It was as if the emails read “Open From 10:00 – 1:00”.  Despite a clearly stated 11:00 kickoff, players showed up whenever the hell they felt like it…which somehow worked out well with the flow of the game.  Mansfield was an hour late, but had immediate impact.  The Thieles were a full hour early, which isn’t surprising considering a Turkey Bowl history of performance enhancers (last year Biss found empty 5-hour energy in Josh’s pocket mid-game...and let’s just say the nickname “Mad Dog” didn’t come out of thin air).  This year’s moles also found credible information of Thiele boys running practice routes at Mollenkopf just one day prior.  Even if we don’t know kick-off time, everyone knows there is a strict no training rule for the Turkey Bowl (OB’s knee-push-ups excluded).     

Speaking of Todd, somehow with the Rudy theme music mysteriously playing in the background, as Crazy-Legs O’Brien stepped foot into Scheumann Stadium, he stated, “Hey this place is really somethin’ else huh?  Someday I'm gonna come out of that tunnel and I'm gonna run onto this field.”  A bit befuddled, Clay said, “Well, it ain’t gonna be this day…?”  To which Todd replied, “I’m here to play football for the Bronchos.”  Templin overheard this and didn’t really have the nerve to tell him that his opportunity to play for the Bronchos had actually lapsed thirteen years ago.  Not to mention that OB actually peaked athletically when he banked in an ill-advised 3-pointer for the Broncho freshman B-team.  But fortunately Jake put it in perspective for him when he told Todd, “I can tell your mind can see the move it wants to do, but the rest of your body just can’t keep up.”

Unfortunately, OB isn’t the only TB “athlete” with this limitation.  The game itself was another battle of the wills, but it really can’t be overstated how f’n cold it was out there.  In fact, I kind of blacked out the details of the game itself.  Besides, with rule changes on every possession and a rotating door attendance policy, the game itself had the fluidity of a bizarre dream sequence.  The field itself even doubled in size over the course of the game.  But the real story of this year was the fans.  Somehow they still managed to come out in droves despite the frigid atmosphere.  Tickets were scarce.  We still don’t know what the going ticket rate was with the scalpers this year, but our research team has determined that tickets were nowhere to be found on Stubhub in the week leading up to the game.  The Andrews were once again the fans of the game, Frankie D wins the endurance award, and we even had sightings of the Late Great Cate Hmurovich and Darcy P.

Beside the Williamson blitzing bonanza, the biggest surprise of the game came when Jake Knott decided to steer clear of playing quarterback.  This created an opening, and the first look the defense got of the revised offense showed Crazy Legs OB at quarterback.  At this point, the defense was paralyzed.  What could they do?  This was like squaring up to the Crane-Kick or seeing the Flying-V coming down your throat, there is no way anybody saw that move coming and there was nothing the defense could do but stand there frozen.  Obviously, this strategy threw a wrench in the defense…fortunately, it did the same for the offense.  From that point on, Mad Dog Thiele and Squash ran their respective teams at quarterback with Jake stepping in for sh*ts and gigs.  The game ran with fluidity from there.

For whatever reason, the bickering and boneheadedness of years past didn’t show up this year.  Nobody got in a fight, nobody spiked the football mid-possession, and not one person panicked and punted on second down.  The game was mostly competitive, but, as always, came down to the ever so tense “next score wins” scenario.  Every single person out there had the internal battle of what it meant to be a true Turkey Bowl champion and go down in Lafayette lore…or whether to just go get a beer somewhere warm.  For many, it was, without question, the latter. 

So when push came to shove, it came as no shocker that Mad Dog pulled away with an interception and ran it back to forever place himself in Turkey Bowl history.  Another one of the books.

Final score:  40-25, good guys!

Thanks again to everybody that came out and supported the “athletes”.  As the planning for the event seems to decay with each passing year, we hope to see everybody out there next year…I’m sure we’ll get an email out sometime before you’re eating leftovers.